i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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