Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sarcasm needs its own font
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
