finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
