I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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