she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
