I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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