I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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