I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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