Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
