I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
