Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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