Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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