my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You dont lie about slip and slides
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
