Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
