Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
