Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
