I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
