Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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