Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
