No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize