Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
