Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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