you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
