Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
