Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
