2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
