I'm so fucking centered right now
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
