Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
