god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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