Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
