if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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