i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
