I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
