really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
