were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
