My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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