Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
