I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
