i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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