The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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