I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
