Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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