Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
