Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
