Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
