Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize