He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
