She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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