Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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