My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
