And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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