I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would ride that face into the sunset
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
