Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize