I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize