Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
