How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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