if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
