I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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