You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
