Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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