took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
